It's Another Day

It's the first day of spring which is supposed to represent new beginnings, but I woke up this morning with that same heaviness I've woken up with for the last few months. I don't think there are any limits to what I would do to get rid of that feeling. It's like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and I can feel the gravel slipping and I pray that it will just collapse and take me with it. Then, I think of those people that I would hurt and what would happen to my children and how many people would say, she was just weak and somehow the cliff never quite collapses.

So, like every other day, I get up and I go through the motions and I try to make everyone happy and be what they want me to be. I'm not an overly religious person, but I have been down on my knees without the ability to stand up and begged God to take away this hurt or give me the strength to stand up again. I lost the love of my life and I should know that I can't make him come back or love me. I know there is no cure and no pain like a broken heart. If I didn't know that before, I've learned that lesson in the past several months. I don't know if it was because he was my best friend or if he was the first time in my life that I loved someone else more than I love myself, but I apparently didn't portray that to him. Another thing that makes this difference for me is I've always believed the best way over one is with another and I have NO DESIRE for anyone else. That's not like me, but no one compares to him. Now, he's found someone else that he thinks there is nothing comparable too and now I'm realizing I've lost him forever. I truly want him to be happy and if she does it for him, then I want that for him. I also want this pain to ease and I want to stand on my own two feet again. I want to be a Stronger Woman and walking away Standing Tall hoping if I ever see him again, he'll have not lost all respect for me.

I'm trying to look ahead to next spring and hope by then the pain is gone. I'm trying to keep all the things done I'm supposed to and I'm trying to keep a smile pasted on my face so even though I'm broken from the inside out, no one else feels like it's their fault or their responsibility.

At the same time, I'm praying for some kind of positive contact with him. I'm praying he'll realize he loves me too and he'll come back to me. If I ever have that chance again, he'll never doubt how much I love him again.